Carmen Hogan

QUESTION: Is it normal to be in counseling from age 13 to 47, and to have gained nothing from the process other than a negative view of oneself?

ANSWER: It was 1980, and my seventh-grade science teacher wished me “luck” as I walked out of my middle school and headed 3 blocks up the street to meet with a psychiatrist, from the state University, that came to my small rural town twice a month to provide therapy to needy townspeople. I remember the psychiatrist looked just like Freud, and he gave Elavil to me for my 12 year-old depression and suicidal ideation. It was all kept secret from my parents. Thus began a 33 years-long journey in pursuit of happiness, contentment, and self-love via therapy and medication. I’ve had at least 20 therapists and I’ve taken 17 different psychiatric prescription drugs. Nothing ever worked and I was miserable and couldn’t stand myself or my life…so I drank. All the Time.

In March 2014, I awoke with the worst headache I have ever had. Finally, a week later, a CAT scan revealed a Sub-Arachnoid hemorrhage on the right side of my brain. I had a gigantic aneurysm on my right middle cerebral artery and it was bleeding into my brain causing a Hemorrhagic stroke. After brain surgery, I was left with a traumatic brain injury. I lost the 25-year career in the clinical trial industry I worked so long and hard for and was forced onto disability at 46 due to severely decreased neurological function. But I continued to drink. And became a blithering lunatic. The therapist I had started seeing again post-stroke, referred me out for DBT therapy. I got a new Therapist and started attending DBT group therapy. I quickly developed a close, collaborative relationship with my new therapist. Within six months of starting therapy with her, I finally got honest and admitted to my drinking problem. From that moment forward, my treatment and recovery progressed in a positive direction at an exponential rate. I started attending 12 step meetings and I eventually completed a full year of DBT group therapy. The skills I gained in that group are invaluable; I learned to care for myself and in the process I came to care about myself. I started volunteering, I sponsored women in 12-step meetings,I implemented a meditation practice and joined a local Sangha. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and suffered major depression, and finally in March 2020, I went to inpatient treatment for CPTSD and a Dissociative disorder.

In August 2020, I started studying at a local college to become a Substance Abuse Counselor. Six months ago I tapered off a benzodiazepine and have come off an antidepressant, antipsychotic and mood stabilizer since. Even after 5 years, I continue to volunteer several hours every week. I regularly attend 12-step meetings, I play pool in a local league, and I make it a point to maintain my social relationships-my close friends are my support system. My life could not be any better on any level. When I think back now on the unhappiness and misery I felt for so many years, I can barely recall how miserable I was.

I’ve thought a lot about what happened that had such a profound positive effect on my life after 33 years of misery. Sometimes I think it was just timing and I lucked out and found the best therapist I have ever had and that resulted in me being supported to finally do the hard work I needed to do to change my life. I also think post-traumatic growth is playing a part in my success. But what I truly feel is happening is I found a purpose for my life. I even think there should be a therapy model called “purpose-driven therapy”. My point is to not leave before the miracle happens. I never ever thought I would be happy and content in life, and I still can’t believe the worst thing that could have happened to me ended up being the best thing that could have happened to me. In the end, I actually think it was the DBT therapy and the close relationship with that particular therapist, that turned everything around. She helped me see what I wanted for myself and gently guided and supported me to change my life. Today I saw this:

That’s what’s different now. I’m consistent. I have learned through therapy, what I have to do everyday to ensure my happiness, self-worth and contentment are at their maximum. Pray, meditate, be willing to ask for help, be open to giving help, keep my eye on the goal, focus on my purpose: to help others. In the Big Book it says “our true purpose is to be of maximum service to God and those around us.” As long as I continue to walk this truth, I will have peace.

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